Coronavirus Pandemic: Supporting Your Children & Family

Mar 31, 2020 | 16 minutes 19 seconds

Transcript

Megan:

Hi, I’m Megan [Stikowski 00:00:01] and with me today is Sarah [Fo 00:00:03]. Sarah is based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where she has her own family and child therapy practice. Her child centered approach supports children with the development of appropriate coping skills for anxiety, expressing anger, frustration, healing inner pain, and working through social conflict. She’s here today to share her insight on how the Coronavirus is affecting children and how to support families. Thanks for being here.

Sarah:

Thanks Megan. I’m happy to be here as well.

Megan:

So Sarah, with confirmed cases of the Coronavirus in every state; schools, daycares, even playgrounds are closed. What can you tell us about how these changes are affecting children?

Sarah:

Well, Megan the first thing I think of when I hear that is, “Ooh, that’s scary.” And I think it makes sense that as Americans right now and around the globe, that we are scared, and so are children. And I think that’s a really important thing to consider because sometimes we get caught in our own fears. We forget that others around us can be experiencing the same thing and having a different dialogue or a different, have a different perspective of what the Coronavirus is and how it’s affecting them. And so for parents, I think it’s important to say to our kids, “Woo, there’s really big things going on in our country right now,” and then asking them what they think. We engage kids to use their own language to describe the pandemic. It allows us to have a lens into how they view this and how to support them when we kind of know how they’re seeing the problem.

Sarah:

And I think about how, if we can break this down into two components of how children view what’s going on in their life currently, it’s I think the fear related to the virus and the changes in the daily rhythm and social isolation. If we look at the fear related to the virus, it’s the unknown, as adults and children, and when we don’t know something, it can trigger anxiety, especially if we have a pre-existing condition for anxiety, we already have feelings for other things in our life. We will create a worst case prediction when we don’t know information. And for children that often is deaf and blind, they will go to that extreme because that is, that prepares them in case that does happen. And so as their grownup or the adult in their life, it is our, I guess responsibility and we need to support them and let them know with honest and accurate and developmentally appropriate information.

Megan:

And could you elaborate on that? What is developmentally appropriate information?

Sarah:

Well, I think the number one component Megan is making sure that they feel safe for children right now. If a child thinks of death and dying, that feels really unsafe. And so when we’re honest with them, children can read when we’re being honest with them, especially when they’re heightened, and heightened meaning when they’re feeling anxious and nervous, they really have to read adults really closely. And their non-verbals are just as important as their verbal communication. So what we can do as grownups, when they ask us a question, we can pause for a step. A pause is so valuable. It gives us a chance to gather our thoughts rather than just to react to the questions, we’re responding. We’re giving simple, accurate, and developmentally appropriate. And what that kind of answering your question, Megan, what that developmentally appropriate piece looks like is making sure that we’re explaining what’s happening so that we talk about washing hands.

Sarah:

We talk about staying six feet. We talk about having to stay inside. We talk about that in a component that relates to what they know about themselves. So especially young children, they’re very child centered, which means they think about themselves and how the world affects them. So if we respond with fear, we’re going to have a fear response from them. So if we say, “Stay away from them,” or, “Don’t touch that,” even if I talk how I’m talking to you right now, you might’ve been jumped a little bit in my change of tone. Children will as well.

Sarah:

So if we use words and language that are sensitive to what they’re experiencing, remember kick the feet or just gently guide them with our bodies to move to a different direction or walk with them. Let’s go wash our hands together. We just touched that, let’s go wash our hands. Let’s sing the happy birthday song. We’re guiding them and giving them the tools, but we’re not instilling it as a fear response. And I think that’s the developmentally appropriate part of it as well. And keeping in our mind that being honest, but not giving more information than we need to. It’s really an important thing as well.

Megan:

Okay. Well, how do parents know if what they’re doing now in their daily routine is really working?

Sarah:

Well, Megan, that’s a really good point. The daily routine is something that we’ve taken for granted, I think. When you start getting up and our children getting up and going to school or taking them to daycare, and then starting our job, and since children in daycare have now been closed, our children are home. And so that prediction of what the daily routine to be has to shift a little bit. And I like to shift away, actually myself, shift away from the word routine and schedule because they’re very, very, I feel boxed in by that. And I feel like, and families might feel boxed in like they have to do those certain things that may be that their neighbor is doing, or their friends is doing, or their cousin is doing with their kids. And each family has a different rhythm.

Sarah:

And that their day, whether when they go to work, we come home from work, when we eat meals, or we spend time together because that’s different for every family. And so by having a predictable rhythm for our child, that is very important because when there’s not predictability, we’ll start to see other behaviors within our children. Sometimes whether it’s meltdown tantrums, those types of things happen when the child doesn’t know what’s going to be happening. If you think about their school day, they knew when they were going to have social interactions. They knew whenever to have their meal. They knew when they were going to have to do have things asked of them.

Sarah:

So by kind of building that into your day, having your children know when they’re going to eat, when they’re going to be expected to help out around the house, when they might have to do something for school, and when they are going to be expected to go to bed, as well as when they can have a peer interaction, whether that’s over the phone, whether that’s on the computer, whether that’s stepping outside and their friend is walking by, or you’re walking by your friends house with your child.

Sarah:

And they’re able to wave up and have some sort of social interactions. Those types of predictability will help decrease anxiety.

Megan:

What is another skill that we can tap into to kind of decrease anxiety perhaps in the moment?

Sarah:

In the moment. So, in the moment, to decrease anxiety is just to breathe. And I know that we talk about breathing Megan as like, “We’re breathing all the time. Of course, we’re humans, that’s keeping ourselves alive,” but a breath can be such a mindful thing. It’s always with us. And if you’ve ever noticed, you might notice we’re holding our breath where like, “Aah,” and be like, let out a deep sigh, having a mindful breath for meaning with we take it.

Sarah:

And I’m going to invite everybody actually just to pause right now and just actually put my words I’m talking about. And just cause we’ve been talking about some pretty heavy information. And even when I’m talking now, when I just mentioned tantrums and meltdowns, that might’ve activated something within your own self, just listening to this reminding of experience you’ve had with your child either recently or in the past. And so when you have that activating moment, taking a deep breath in, and what that looks like is we’re going to push our feet into the ground. And I invite everyone that’s listening like Megan as well and put your feet into the ground. And I’m going to breathe in, I’m going to count to four. We’re going to hold it for one breath and then we’re going to breathe out for four. And then we’re going to breathe in one, two, three, four, hold it, one and then breathe out one, two, three, four.

Sarah:

And sometimes in that moment, just that breath, even if our child is having a tantrum and a meltdown, or they’re asking us the questions about the Coronavirus, that pause and that breath is a coping skill that often gives us a chance to think clearly, and to respond rather than to react. We’re kind of drawing from your question, things that we can think of. We want to make sure we’re letting our child have accurate information based on their fear related to the virus and also having predictability in their daily rhythm.

Megan:

Yeah, that makes sense. And I really do feel better already just taking a couple of deep breaths, but what if this check-in, this deep breathing isn’t enough? When should parents themselves or children seek additional support?

Sarah:

Well, Megan, you just mentioned the daily check-in and I really think that that is such an important component that we can do with our children, with our schedules and our rhythms, having a shift, just creating a time in your day where you’re checking in with your child. And that means like, “Are you okay?” Or going back to our original question play, how are you seeing how things are going, getting another check in on her perspective, but that also creates predictability. The children will know, “Oh gosh, mom’s going to come in when she gets home from work and check on me,” or ask how I’m doing with all of this, or, “Grandma’s going to make sure in the morning that I’m when I get up, she’s going to ask me how I’m doing.” And I think that kind of predictability in that daily check-in will give you a lot of information on how they’re doing.

Sarah:

If they’re not responding to that, if they’re avoiding that question, then that’s kind of, sometimes it goes off like a light bulb going off in parents and grandparents. I’d like, “Oh, that’s different, that’s not their usual response to me.” And if we’re noticing they’re not eating, or finding like their usual pleasurable activities, whether it’s play or laughter or telling jokes, or if they would like to read before or play video games, they’re not interested in doing those things or their sleep is off, they’re having a hard time sleeping. It may be time to contact their PCP and we’ll talk to their pediatrician. It can be over the phone. You don’t have to go in right now, given our circumstances of not being able to go to doctor’s office like we usually do and just have a conversation.

Sarah:

And also, if your PCP doesn’t provide that kind of consultation over the phone, many therapist, child therapists will talk over the phone or online for 15 minutes. It’s like a complimentary way to see if this is a good fit or, if you know, “Hey, I think it’s a good idea for your child to seek therapy,” or, “Try this intervention, this may help,” and see how that works and call me back in a couple of weeks, if it’s not helping. There’s availability, just like adults have access to tele behavioral mental health, children do as well, especially with this shift with Coronavirus, therapists, I know with my own practice, I am providing therapy online with my clients on a weekly basis. And that’s another predictable factor. We talk about rhythm every week. They know they’re going to do a check-in with Sarah and have a therapy session where we actually play online.

Sarah:

I can’t believe this is what’s happening, but, I don’t think that’s possible, but I’ll tell you what, it is possible. And I feel like I’m able to connect with kids and support them through this. So that’s also another where parents don’t have to leave home or their children for them to get support. But you know, Megan, I think it’s important to mention in any conversation we talk about mental health, but it’s just as important as physical health. And if a child expresses they feel like they, this is too much for them then, and they feel that they’re going to harm themselves, or they are showing signs that they’re harming others, it’s important that we act in a way to provide safety for themselves and other people, whether that’s calling a child crisis network in your area or 9-1-1, we have to treat it with the same urgency we would if it was a physical health crisis. And those, all of those support networks are still here and still available for families, even though this is going on. So I just had to mention that at some point. It’s an important factor.

Megan:

Yes, absolutely. Thank you for that reminder. And Sarah, if you had one big tip that you could share with parents on how to talk to you and answer questions that their kids may have, what would that be?

Sarah:

Well, really, Megan, I think it is to be your authentic self. And what that looks like is you’re feeling panicked. You’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed and nervous. Feel those feelings, feel them in front of your child, feel them in front of your family. We don’t need to hide them. That is one of the most valuable things we can give our children is allowing them to see us feel those feelings because it gives them permission to feel those feelings out loud as well and not to internalize them.

Sarah:

Sometimes children feel like they can’t show this, it’s too much for the parent, especially if the parent’s overwhelmed, but for the parents to show it and to be in it. But the next step is the adult piece of it is to regulate through it. And so we were talking about breathing. That’s part of the regulating, just pausing and breathing, that stays attuned to self, pushing our feet into the ground. We can massage our arms. We can splash cold water on our face. We’re regulating. When we feel dysregulated and heightened, we’re showing our children, “Ah, I can breathe.” I can still keep my sense of self, all of this fear and anxiety. It’s going to be around me, but it’s not going to define who I am right now.

Sarah:

And I think those type of pieces we have to, I like to use the saying in therapy. We have to name it, to tame it. We have to name our feeling out loud in order to tame it and taming it is the coping skill. Breathing, a pause, taking a step outside. So for example, if your child sees that you’re upset, that pause we talked about earlier, “Then come with me, let’s go for a walk outside. Let’s breathe for a second. Sit down. Can I give you a big hug and take two breaths?” Those are all ways you’re modeling to your child, “I can have these feelings. These feelings are real. I’m going to be okay. My parent’s keeping me safe and I can keep my sense of self.” And if we do that more than often than once, that becomes predictability. And so kind of ties in all the things that we’re thinking about as we’re trying to support our child through this.

Megan:

I think that’s a really, really important piece. And I’m glad that we’re we’re ending with it. And I think that so often we get this mentality that we have to take care of our kids first and always put them first, but it sounds like we really need to take care of ourselves and that’s not selfish. You know, it’s actually just a necessary first step to helping our kids cope. So again, Sarah, thank you so much for taking the time to share your expertise with us. I really, really enjoyed it.

Sarah:

Well, Megan, thank you so much for having me and I really appreciate having extra minutes to chat with you today and I enjoyed breathing with you as well. Thank you so much.

Megan:

Thanks. And thank you everyone for listening. Please stay tuned for more podcast.