Ways to Build Healthy Habits Around Screen Time

Megan:

Hi, I’m Meghan Steckowski and welcome to another HMC HealthWorks podcast. Today, we welcome back for a third time child psychotherapist, Sarah Foe. Sarah, you have been so gracious with your time and knowledge, and I really just want to give you a big thank you for being with us today.

Sarah:

Meghan, it’s great to be back and I’m really excited about chatting today.

Megan:

Well, today we’re going to tackle what can be a very challenging and trying parenting situation: screen time. Before COVID, this was a topic that was debated among parents and experts alike, and now with screens being so needed and critical for school and staying connected with family and friends, it’s even harder for parents to know how to handle them; so lucky for us, Sarah, you’re going to help. Let’s just jump in and talk with what you see with your practice when it comes to kids and screens.

Sarah:

You know, Meghan, it’s really great that we’re having this opportunity today, because even in my professional practice, but as well as being a parent, this is something that comes up daily. And a big part of it is because our children, many of them, have been remote, still remote, or have a hybrid school day model which is still partly remote. And so, the screen is built in as part of our school day and part of our child’s lives, where maybe before we didn’t have this much screen time. And so, even being as part of the therapy practice, I will meet clients often online for their therapy sessions. Some are coming back in-person, but there’s also many who are still opting for online sessions, as well. So again, even just receiving therapy services or piano lessons or TaeKwonDo, art lessons, things are all still happening online as well, or have been for an extended period of time, where children, that’s become their main outlet to connect, as you mentioned, with friends as well as with resources and the activities they really enjoy pre-COVID, or even something they tried maybe that was new during COVID.

Sarah:

So in my practice, it’s really ran a full gamut of how children have responded to this, but I can’t wait till kind of… Really answer your question, but before I do that, I really want to take a couple steps back and just say that, for parents, that whatever you’re doing, you’re trying your best and it’s going to be okay. I think there’s a lot of pressure and we’re balancing a lot of different things as the grownups in the family system right now. And just to let ourselves know that, “Hey, it’s okay, we’re going to get through this.” We can shift things. Things are movable and malleable in this moment. And maybe right now they have a lot of screen time because it’s how our day has to function. Doesn’t mean how it has to always be. And so, we’re going to talk today just about some ways to build healthy habits around screen time, letting ourselves be kind of aware of why it’s so important to our kids, and also taking a little bit of a reflection into ourselves as to how screens are involved in our lives.

Megan:

All of that sounds perfect. And I think as a parent myself, it’s really nice to hear you say that. How it is today isn’t how it always has to be and we really are just doing our best.

Sarah:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Definitely.

Megan:

Thanks.

Sarah:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). And as I think about this, I really want to invite our listeners to kind of start back a few years back. I’m not sure how old everyone’s children are that are listening, but truly this can range from whenever you’re children starts using screens to, if it’s part of their school day or if they’re a teen and maybe the screen is a very important part of their social and academic life… If we took a step back and instead of addressing the screen issue, taking a look at what is most meaningful to our children. So what that means is looking at: If you could pick your child’s top favorite things do right now, where do they spend their time? Where are they most organized? What do they like to talk to you about or talk with their friends about? What are those three most important things? So for some kids that could be, I’m thinking of my nine-year-old, that’s Legos, playing sports outside, and screen time. But I’m also thinking of my six-year-old and that’s playing sports, playing sports, playing sports.

Sarah:

So I think it just depends. Each child has their own most meaningful things. And as we look at our child’s most meaningful things, it’s also important for us to pause and invite ourself with, “What is our, as a parent, as an individual, what are our most important things?” And I find it helpful even to write it down, because these are changing, too. Maybe pre-pandemics they were one thing. Maybe mid-pandemic they were another. Maybe right now they’re something else. And it’s kind of like when you lay in bed at night, when you think about, or when you have some spare time, what do you look up online and where do you spend your money as a grownup? What are your go-to daydreams or where are you most organized? Similar to our children, we all have things that are most meaningful to us. And once we’re able to identify what our most meaningful things are, what our child’s most meaningful things are, then we can take a look at the relationship we have and how it applies to screens.

Sarah:

Because sometimes, when we have our most meaningful things, that’s what our brain will go to. We think about, when we take away screens or when screens have to end, what that feels like for our child and what we feel as the parent. That’s because we’re stopping something that they really enjoy. And so, you may have heard the expression: If you take away someone’s boat, you have to be able to give them a raft or something else. But you can’t just take away their boats. And so, in this moment, when screens are taken away since it’s like time for them to end or say parents choose to do that as a consequence for the day, a screen-free day, what’s going to take the place if that’s one of your child’s most meaningful things? Because that will be helpful in that transition and help support the child’s own needs as well as eliminate the opportunity for tantrums, meltdowns, things like that.

Megan:

So if I’m hearing you correctly, if we can use the three favorite things or the three most meaningful things to our child to kind of understand why they have that deep connection to that screen, right?

Sarah:

Yes. Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Megan:

Why they’re so intent on always being on it or playing on it or using it. Okay. So it’s one of their top most favorite things that they have, and when we try to limit it or we try to take it away, that’s when we experienced those meltdowns, for lack of a better word.

Sarah:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Megan:

That makes sense. That makes perfect sense.

Sarah:

Yeah, and it’s like knowing our authentic self as a parent, knowing that our most valuable thing is our child… I was mentioning one of my most important things is seeing my kids outside, getting dirty and playing. Well, when they’re inside doing a screen, they’re doing the opposite of my most meaningful thing, and sometimes I feel like, “Oh, I don’t want you guys to be inside.” But I get… I don’t know if it’s resentful or angry or annoyed. A lot of different feelings and emotions arise. Because I want my children to have this different experience in their childhood, and when I see them on a screen I’m like, “Ah.” This is my perception, and that’s the thing about perceptions: They’re not right or wrong; they’re just information about ourselves. And so, I noticed that about my kids, but I also noticed my authentic self is saying, “Ah.” Screaming, “I want you to be playing.”

Sarah:

It goes to my next part of our conversation, Meghan, which is striking a balance. Where can we strike a balance so we’re being an authentic parent and we’re letting our kids know that we feel this way or that about the screens? And some parents, they’ll be like, “I love being on my screen, too.” And so, if that’s what’s most meaningful to you and that’s your perception, that’s not right or wrong. It’s just information about you. And then, you can meet your child there. If you enjoy being on a screen, then maybe you can play video games with your kiddo. Maybe you can have a special time during the day where we do… There’s still some research out about a 15-45, which means 15 minutes playing, 45 minutes where they themselves.

Sarah:

And where you play screens with them for 15 minutes and get a of 45, or whatever time works for you, and then you have an idea that you’re stepping into their world and you’re meeting them with something that you both feel is important: being connected digitally. And so, you’re playing, sometimes you can often go on the same phone. You can be in a game together and it’s comparatively like going outside and throwing a baseball or kicking a soccer ball with your child. It has similar principles on how the relationship is happening, because the child can feel that you are at ease as well, and you are able to feel their ease, and there’s that relationship there between the two of you. Now, kind of looping back to what I was saying about how I’m like, “Oh, but I want my kids to be outside.”

Sarah:

If you kind of fall into that range, or somewhere around there, where you feel like you’re not happy with how this screen situation is feeling authentically to you, then you can create some boundaries and parameters around it. And have them be part of the process, depending on their age. For example, you can invite them to say, “Okay, we’re going to have screen time today. It’s going to be one hour. You want to have a half hour in the morning, half an hour in the afternoon, or you can have a whole hour at 3:00.” But it’s important that I suggest having it at a similar time every week or every day. Each family, sometimes schedules change. They’re variable. So trying to find a plan so it’s predictable to your child.

Sarah:

And if you’ve heard any of Megan and I had other conversations, you’ve heard us talk about predictability for children and making the unknown known. Especially during COVID, those two things lessen the anxiety in ourselves and in our children. So creating a predictable schedule like, “Okay, 3:00 to 4:00 is screen time.” They know it. They know when it starts. They know when it ends. And you have also maybe some time for you. And if you’re going to be playing with them, that’s a chance for you to schedule your time with them, where you’re… “Hey, I’m going to be playing with you for the first 15 minutes. I can’t wait to see what happens in ROBLOX today,” as an example, and then you’re part of the screen time experience. And I feel that, as we’re talking through here that, Meghan, I would like to launch into just a little bit about how even to create that time, as well.

Megan:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Sarah:

If that’s okay if I go on a side tangent for a second.

Megan:

Yes, please do. I think it’s important, everything you’ve discussed so far. I mean, screens and digitally connecting is here to stay, so I’d like to learn more.

Sarah:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). That is very true. It’s true. And it is like, “How do we have this journey together?” in recognizing what’s important to each of us in the relationship. And so, if you have a predictable time and the children know when it’s going to be, then you can help build things, healthy habits, into screen time. For example, this can even be part of their school day, as well, if the teacher doesn’t already do this, or sometimes the teacher might already do this. We have brain breaks, where, oh, after 20 minutes we take a brain break. So I call it the 20-20-20. After 20 minutes, take your brain, stop, look away from the screen. Either look away or move around for at least 20 seconds.

Sarah:

And the other part of it suggested around 20 feet away. Not just looking in space around you, but you look around you either out the window, across the room, and that just allows the child to orient to their environment and reconnect with self. And so, if you’re playing with your kiddo, or if you’re in the house, you can set the timer for 20 minutes, “Let’s take a brain break,” and then 20 seconds, and then they go back to it. It can even be longer than 20 seconds. Some parents would suggest, “Come and get a drink. Look outside. Get some fresh air. Okay, now you can go back to it.” But these are building healthy habits. So as grownups, since many of us are working from home or we’re working on a screen in a store, or having to use a computer in many different facets of our lives.

Sarah:

We’re on our phone. We take a break. If we can build in the healthy habit of a 20-20-20, or whatever kind of system works well for you and your family, this still allows us to stay connected. So when we come off of the screen, we don’t have that big… Which many of you probably can connect with for ourselves, but also with witnessing your children, that big, kind of just trying to find your bearings when you come away from this screen, which is something that I’d like to kind of just share next. Having, I’ve mentioned this before in other podcasts, the transition out of screen time. That makes the unknown known again. We let the child know our timeframe. “We have about five minutes left.”

Sarah:

And then, sometimes I like to remind them, “Remember, we said we’re going to go outside and shoot hoops when this is over.” Or, “Remember, we’re going to play and you’re going to be doing that drawing.” It’s going to be finished after this. Letting them know you’re bridging the next activity, so they know what’s going on. “Remember, we have soccer practice right after this is done.” So it’s connecting their brain to the next thing. It’s also maybe connecting to something that’s most meaningful to them. So I mentioned something else that’s most meaningful in their life. For example, soccer in the case of my six-year-old. And then, also I like to have a drink or something crunchy, like, “Here’s six crackers.”

Sarah:

Something near them, so when they’re done or it’s right in the kitchen where they come out to, and say, “Oh, the food is out here for you to have,” and then they have something. Because that kind of feedback helps transition them when they’re feeling dysregulated to regulated after being on a screen. So there’s a lot of little things here, I know, nuances that I’ve talked about, but even just kind of experimenting with them and seeing if one works and this doesn’t work, or trying to build on what something else you use in your home when we try to transition away from, say, watching a TV or a movie, maybe try that with screens. Those kinds of things can kind of cross between, I think, both genres.

Megan:

Yeah. Those sound like really great tricks to try.

Sarah:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Megan:

And I think also it kind of leads right back into your predictability, right?

Sarah:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Megan:

That you’re giving the five-minute heads up, you’re setting the stage for what you’re doing next, but they know right after they put the screen down, they’re going to get a snack or a drink. And that’s kind of the routine that you’re setting. So all of that is great, but what can we do, and what can we do as parents, to help model healthy screen behavior? Because I’m sure that goes a long way, as well.

Sarah:

Well, I think that kind of just even, recapping on what you just said, implying those things to yourself. Letting them know, “I have 10 more minutes on this I have to do for work,” or, “I’m shopping online. I’m going to be done in 10 minutes, and then I’ll be over to play or check this out what you’re doing.” Letting the kiddos know the predictability of when you’re going to be off-screen. And also, it gives yourself some boundaries, like, “Okay, I’m going to take a break right now and step away from this, but I can come back to it.” Just like our kids, they know they have to end. They know tomorrow at 3:00, they get to come back to it. It’s not over forever. They’re not reaching in the kind of universe like, “When do I get to come back and do my most favorite thing?” Letting ourself know and letting our kids know when we can revisit it next helps support the transition.

Sarah:

I think part of it, too, sometimes we talk about punishment with using screens. Okay, you or something else happens unrelated to screens, and we’re like, “You can’t use your screen tomorrow.” Now, I’m speaking from personal experience here, because my partner and I often will say that, and we’ve been trying really hard to pause and realize, “Okay, this is their most meaningful thing. We have to have a lifeboat out there for them to do something else. Or choose something else as a consequence. Or maybe shift it a little bit of what… “Oh, you can start screen time 10 minutes later today.” Or, “We’re going to limit our screen time to only 45 minutes today because of the choices we made earlier.”

Sarah:

And so, it’s kind of being creative with it and realizing that sometimes… Or our kiddo, on Saturday, both of our kids, they got off, we thought the transitioned well. They got a snack. They came into the kitchen, and then all of a sudden, it was pushing, screaming. They were dysregulated still from coming after the screen. And so, we decided as a family, we’re taking a screen-free dinner on Sunday, and we didn’t use our phones until the evening. And then, when they were in bed, we got on and did whatever we had to do as a family to get ready for the week and work and things like that. And not everyone can do that as well as parents, but even if we limit our screen time as parents and model that, “Hey, sometimes we just need to take a break from this as a whole family and do something else.” It can really speak volumes for long-term habits for our children to learn when their balancing their screen and being engaged in other areas that are most meaningful to them.

Megan:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Okay. It sounds like just really being mindful, right?

Sarah:

Yeah. Very much so.

Megan:

Yeah, your example is something that can really connect with, but I can see how… Even while you were talking, I’m like, “Oh, I can kind of tweak that to fit our schedule on our routine.” So it was really just great food for thought.

Sarah:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). And even at the end of all that. Because it can be even activating to think about those moments, when you start to think about those moments that are really tricky with screens and how stressful they can be for the family. But at the same time, how they are integrated such a part of our life because of COVID, too. Even more so, as you mentioned at the beginning, that’s part of their life experience now, so it’s really just trying to meet them in a meaningful place and figuring out balance and mindfulness, for sure. And mindfulness is connecting with self and our environment around us. Truly our connection to self.

Megan:

Well, that sounds like a kind of a perfect place to wrap up here. Sarah, really, thank you so much for sharing your expertise, your experience, and we really appreciate you talking to us today.

Sarah:

No problem. No problem. It was a pleasure to, and I’m looking forward to returning back again. And I hope all of our listeners are having a wonderful spring, and thank you so much again.

Megan:

Great. Well, thanks everyone for listening and please stay tuned for more HMC HealthWorks podcasts.